Featured Article

Did The Economic Stimulus Package Give You An Erection?

By now many people have received those $600 to $1200 checks that the Bush administration sent out to help pump up the economy – and I know many of us are saying “Thank George”! Just think how poorly the economy would be doing if we didn’t have that money to dump back into the system. Why, the stock market might fall to under 12,000! Ah, nix that…..

Anyway, the theory seems sound. The President anticipated that people would take their checks, run out to Home Depot and Best Buy and scoop up new refrigerators and plasma televisions. And Home Depot and Best Buy would take those profits and send them to China where the products are made. Well, maybe that’s not exactly the theory, but it was supposed to get the economy moving.

But according to a recent report by a research company that specializes in analyzing internet trends (in a report aired today on NPR), a lot of people took the money and bought porn! Yep – the economic stimulus package is actually stimulating America in a very unanticipated way. Since the checks were sent, subscription levels to online porn sites have gone up 20-30%! And this is particularly surprising (and here is a fact I did not know), because summer is a slow time for online porn. Apparently people are too busy in the summer hiking and vacationing and watching ball games to spend a lot of time watching Jenna Jamison.

Of course, there could be other factors. Gas is so expensive that many people can’t afford to leave the house, and porno can be a kind of wonderful “vacation at home” – albeit not a particularly family-friendly vacation.

But here is the other big problem. Many online porn sites are located outside the United States, so our economic stimulus package might be stimulating towns controlled by Ukranian mobsters and Nigerian drug lords.

All of this only leads to one logical conclusion. If we are going to support porno in this country – lets insist upon American-made porno. Perhaps instead of sending puny checks to people so they can surf the naughty net, the government would be better served by going right to the source and pumping up the American porno industry! Lets make Ron Jeremy a special envoy to the White House to figure out how to make the American adult entertainment industry the most powerful in the world. Perhaps we need an ad campaign to encourage people to “buy their porn locally”. Lets get America stimulated in a very special way!

This entry was posted in Life, Politics. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Did The Economic Stimulus Package Give You An Erection?

  1. Elena says:

    Quippy and hilarious!!! I for one don’t want to see Ron Jeremy in anything.

    I’d love to see the trends in debt paydown through the stimulus period. It seems the best thing to do as Americans are buttoning down the hatches.

    I thoroughly enjoyed this article.

  2. Pingback: How did you spend your economic stimulus check? | Pet Marmoset

  3. Peggy Joyce says:

    Clever, very clever, Tim.
    Love the website and Ray Links’ analysis on market investing.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

3 × 3 =