Ah, the Scots. I used to think they were a fine people, sort of “Irish Light”. Big jovial folks that shared my love of fly fishing, kilts and freckled women. But that all changed for me last week when they released the mass murderer responsible for killing dozens of Americans. Convicted Lokerbie bomber Abdel Bassett al-Megrahi received a heroes welcome in Libya after brain-dead bureacrats in Scotland sent him home on humanitarian grounds.
While American politicians (and most of the sane world) have condemned the Scottish actions, I have been suprised to see that the American public has been fairly subdued in their reaction. After all, we were the people that went on a protacted anti-French rage for a year when they dared disagree with George Bush (hmm, they seemed to know something we didn’t)! To maintain our patriotism, we went months drinking only Californian and Italian wines, and had to order our Big Macs with Freedom Fries.
So what to do about Scotland that really does deserve some retribution? Well, perhaps the problem is there is much less of Scotland infused in our culture. Year ago I had already given up eating the primary Scottish culinary export – Haggis. (For the few of you that don’t occassionally enjoy a big plate of Haggis – it is a hearty dish containing the liver, heart, and lungs from a sheep, robustly blended with onion, oatmeal, salt, suet and spices. It resembles a stuffed intestine. A perfect dish for a Sunday brunch with cannibals.)
I am more than willing to give up going to Scottish movies, but I can’t really name one. And I will pledge not to buy any Scottish cars. But somehow that is still not enough.
Wait a minute, there is one thing Scottish many of us enjoy – Scotch – perhaps the most important thing to ever come out of Scotland. The tasty, smoky booze that has provided me so much entertainment (and many horrible hangovers) over the years. I suggest that effective immediately all of America boycott Scotch! And in it’s place I have a recommendation. Drink Tyrconnell Single Malt Irish Whiskey. The Irish have been making Tyrconnell since 1762, so they have really perfected the formula. And who knows more about drinking than the Irish! Just as smooth and full of flavor as the best Scotch single malt, but produced by the lovely and lyrical Irish who don’t coddle baby murderers!