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To The Victor Goes The Spoils. Osama’s Gone – Now Keep Your Hands Off My Unit.

Over the last century or so we have made a drastic change to the terms of war. Throughout most of time, the purpose of war was conquest. Armies attacked other armies, occupied their territories, raped and pillaged the countryside, and took all the gold, money, valuables, and artwork. Soldiers often functioned more like mercenaries or pirates, dividing up the spoils of war.

More recently we adapted a new approach. After we destroy countries during wars we now come back into the country and rebuild it on our own dime. And we often do such a good job that the country once again becomes a competitor or even a military threat.  While this might not make much sense to tax payers, our military / industrial complex loves the idea.

Now I’m certainly not advocating a return the barbaric old days.  Rape and pillage seems so “last millennium”.  However, after spending billions of dollars and losing thousands of young American soldiers I think there should be some reward for successful military action. 

Case in point… we waited a long time to eliminate Osama – and now that we have, how about a little bonus for the American people? Nothing too drastic, of course.  I’m not saying we go occupy Arab oil fields and give every American free gasoline for a year (though that might be a good Sarah Palin platform if she runs for President).  

My much easier suggestion as a little reward – eliminate most of the airport security.  Let’s go back to the days of a couple simple metal detectors.  Wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have to show up two hours ahead of time for your flight, since one of the purposes of flying is to save time?  I want to be able to bring more than a thimble full of shampoo or hair gel in my carry-on.  I don’t like walking barefoot on filthy floors that have had thousands of other barefoot people walk on them over the last hour. I hate seeing 91 year old Grandmas hoisted from their wheelchairs and wanded-down.

A few weeks ago I suffered the ultimate TSA indignity when I was selected for a major pat-down at JFK.  A morbidly obese gentleman had me stand with my hands above my head in front of hundreds of people as he snapped on a pair of rubber gloves.  “I’m only going to touch your private parts with the back of my hands”, he promised. 

Sure, I’ve heard that one before.

Apparently there must be great concern that terrorists will sneak onto planes with bombs strapped to their testicles, because he spent an uncomfortable amount of time tapping “the boys” with the back of his fingertips. Perhaps there is some concern about suicide bombers wearing exploding cock rings.

Anyway, I want my little piece of the spoils of war.  Intense airport security was always a tremendous waste of money anyway.  There are many ways to blow up a plane without carrying on a bomb through the boarding gates. And we can’t possibly protect every large group.  Terrorists can always choose shopping malls, amusement parks, and office buildings as targets.  It appears bin Laden’s next target was a train.

So let’s give people a little reward for finally getting the world’s number one terrorist, and save a  lot of money in these tough economic times (the TSA budget is $8.1 billion dollars next year) by returning airport security to pre-911 levels.

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3 Responses to To The Victor Goes The Spoils. Osama’s Gone – Now Keep Your Hands Off My Unit.

  1. Scott says:

    I say we give everyone a weapon when they board the plane, that will reduce the need to pat people down.

  2. Elena says:

    Seriously, do they really think a male terrorist is going to mess with his own penis? Just mentioning a small kick to the groin region will make any man flinch and cover their area.

    Same with women…the last thing we want is one of our breasts blown off, so stay out of our brassiere’s please.

    I agree.

  3. business says:

    That might be fine if you have a 6 am or 2 pm flight but for the rest of the day youd better camp out at the airport. For simplicitys sake lets say that under normal times each passenger takes 1 minute to get screen. In reality that screening time would vary but again this is a simple example. That means that each station can process 60 passengers in an hour and the entire screening area can screen 600 passengers per hour…Lets also assume that the airport has planes taking off each hour with a total of 600 passengers.

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