In life it is normal to wonder how we are viewed by others? Who better to make an assessment about each of us – than the good people who deliver our daily e-mail spam. I think we can learn a lot about ourselves from these people, because they certainly have done their homework and quite obviously must use a focused and highly scientific method to electronic marketing.
From March 16 to March 21 I received 94 e-mails which were captured in the “spam” file of one of my e-mail accounts. We are talking pure self-reflection gold….
I am apparently desperately in need of some form of “male enhancement”. Some person named “Alexi” seems to know he or she can help me more than Darya or Dasha (who also have offered to help) because Alexi has sent me 6-7 e-mails promising a sure fire way to enlarge the male plumbing without “pumps, pills or shots”. I’m going to have to have a long talk with Old Doc Bayard, why am I hearing about this only now? Who in the name of God wouldn’t take a shot, or even better, a pill? And what the hell would I do with a pump? I can barely keep my kids away from my cigars. So I guess there’s a market for this “exciting medical breakthrough”. My concern here is that while it is gratifying to hear that the Russian black market has given penis enlargement so much attention because the AMA has ignored this major national crisis, I can’t help wondering how Alexi found me? I secretly checked my wife’s computer and there’s no record of a complaint. Oh sure she laughs during moments of intimacy, but I always assume that was due to the costumes and garden implement. I don’t mean to boast but I’ve never had a complaint in this department before. My doctor’s never handed me any pamphlets concerned with “Overcoming the Heartbreak of Ambiguous Genitalia”. There was that one time in high school when we had to shower using cold water, but I went to a high school full of Irish kids so there’s no way anyone from that shower room would have noticed anyway. So what gives, Alexi?
Their market research apparently has indicated that I also have bad skin riddled with warts and that I’m fat. There are e-mails touting Oprah Winfrey’s fat loss plan and Katy Perry’s beauty secrets plan that will clear up my bad skin, and at least two offerings from a firm advertising “quick, effective removal of warts, moles and skin tags”. Dr. Oz has apparently taken a personal interest in making sure that I “melt away 15 pounds in 5 days” with his “Miracle Pill”. I can “cut down a bit of my belly every day by this one weird old tip”. Huh? I think that sounds like a splendid idea and since it is endorsed by Dr. Oz it must be safe and effective, right? So because I’m a fat guy with warts, moles or pesky skin tags I’ve been targeted with the services, products and magical potions that will make it possible for me to stop wearing shirts that can also serve as tents and to leave the house during daylight hours without children screaming when they look upon my ghastly wart riddled, oily skinned face. Plus, who wouldn’t want to eat donuts, ice cream and pizza every day while Dr. Oz’ “miracle pill” melts away the fat?
I am also apparently in desperate need of an “affordable Cobra plan” as I have 4-5 e-mails touting the fact that President Obama has approved “health coverage for unemployed residents”. Well that is certainly welcome news but I’ve never been unemployed, but, I am just back from a two week vacation down to God’s Waiting Room (Florida for you West Coasters) and when I got back I sort of detected a bit of a cold shoulder from my co-workers. Are those sons of bitches planning on firing me? Have they notified some governmental agency of their intention who in turn notified the people at “FastHealth Quotes” who have offered me affordable health insurance? Oh God, we just replaced the Family Truckster and I just told my 18 year old that he can go to a private college. Where’s my resume, I don’t even know where my lawnmower is, and what will the guys at the club think? Oh God….what am I going to tell my wife? I’m going to march straight into Smither’s office later today and demand a severance package. I’ve given that firm at least 7 good years over the past 22….doesn’t she understand that I’ve got credit cards to pay off?
Speaking of credit cards….
I’m apparently something of a credit risk as there are a great many e-mails promising to provide my credit scores. Some guy named “Raf Linberg” has a program which will provide me with my credit scores and up to $1000 to use toward paying off my debt. I’ve thought about this a bit and I’m not really sure why one needs to know one’s credit scores or why I should pay old Raf money to give me money. I wonder if he takes credit cards? On the subject of credit scores, if they are good that means you pay your bills and the people at American Express haven’t had to call you at 3 o’clock in the morning to remind you that you are a useless deadbeat who could not possibly care about the Baby Jesus or America. If your scores are bad wouldn’t you already know that because that mean man from American Express has been calling at 3 o’clock every morning?
I think I’ll pass on the “low cost credit report”, at least until I can land a new job. Seems like a bit of a luxury right now for an unemployed obese man with a tragically small penis and bad skin who has to pay for a COBRA plan and a “pump”.