Stand-Up comedian / investing neophyte Auggie Smith continues to hold his own against the Wall Street wizards in this year’s stock picking competition. Here are the standings:

1st Place – Barron’s Ten Stocks for 2013 are doing well, increasing from an initial value of $10,000 to the current value of $11,793. Top stocks in the group are Western Digital and Marathon Petroleum.

2nd Place – Auggie comes in at a strong number two, with a value of $11,536. Top performers are Best Buy and Yelp (who would have guessed that?).

3rd Place – The very simple and inexpensive Vanguard Growth fund is in third place, with a value of $10,936.

Some weeks are better than others.

Last week I discovered that I was suddenly “unprofitable”. In this case “Market Failure” occurred when a product that saves lives was no longer profitable to produce. Unfortunately, one of the lives this product saves is my own.

To many people, the market is the place you can rely on to get almost anything –from life’s basic to most exotic needs. Most people talk about the market in theoretical terms – often with the attitude “I don’t know how it works but it’s the best system we’ve got.” Most of us assume the market will ultimately serve society’s best interests, even though they recognize there are a few glitches and collateral damage. I have often explained to my students that the market only produces what is profitable.

The last thing you want to require is an unprofitable item. In my case I have Parkinson’s disease, and lately this condition has started to bizarrely interfere with my blood pressure. I’m told that the response is autonomic, out of my control. It’s like an immune response that we usually welcome as a defense from outside threats. But as with the case of allergies to peanuts or immune responses to the bite of the seemingly harmless honeybee, the protective immune response can be fatal.

As a result of the interaction between Parkinson’s and blood pressure my systolic variation (the upper number) can rocket from less than 70 to 200-plus in the time it takes to eat lunch. Parkinson’s is pushing the number down, and the cardiac response is pushing it up. My cardiologist suggests that the upper number is a stroke risk, and the lower number could put one at risk of shutting down. Neither seems desirable since I’m quite happily still pursuing happiness.

Though I take many prescriptions for Parkinson’s, treatment of blood pressure brings new medicines into play – in this case calcium inhibiters. I take one if my blood pressure exceeds 150, which to date has worked just great, however, I just discovered that the drug is no longer produced and there are no substitutes generic or otherwise. I have about 30 pills left. You see, not only is this drug unprofitable, but I am also apparently unprofitable as collateral damage.

It’s not that we’ve lost the ability to make this product – the market has just determined that it can’t be sold at a profit.

Some might argue “there is too much regulation.” Some might explain that the market is not large enough for the medicine, so economies of scale in production don’t exist and therefore the cost exceeds the price. You might get an explanation that if the company sets the price appropriately to generate a profit there will be no demand, or strangely it will discriminate against the poor, so by making it unavailable there is equity between the rich and poor.

All of these address how the price might be changed to make the drug profitable, but are of no value to someone who knows a product is unavailable at any price. These explanations address the economics and market conditions of a product, but ignore the moral issues. The market is not designed to address morality.

The big question that remains – “is society obligated to produce something at a loss that could save lives?”

The market has no answer to this question, though to many people the market somehow has moral content – the “Darwinian survival of the fittest” approach. But in this case we allow the market to determine who lives and who dies. Others might take the position that in the long run the market will produce whatever is needed. This is looking past the short run, which is the time frame within which people die. Some might say that each individual is responsible to find a way to get what they need. When you need more firewood this might apply, but exactly how do you make controlled release isradipine in your kitchen? If you know please give me the recipe.

As an economist, I know we too often fail to make the distinction in policy decisions between “market” and “moral” – leaving the moral discussion to the crude application of things like Darwinism or personal initiative.

I have added drama to this discussion, and luckily I am in competent hands with my physician’s approach to finding substitutes. I also avoid eating too many sausages, and carefully keep my exercise regimen going so that the 50 pounds I lost do not reappear.

These comments are really in deference to the thousands of people who have cancer, heart disease, and other ailments where we know how to treat their conditions, yet do not produce medicines or the required healthcare systems because they are not profitable. To them the market is not theoretical.

The search for the Holy Grail is hollow if you think it is just a silver goblet. That search ignores our moral sense of right and wrong.

If you have been following the press lately, there appears to be a lot of deception regarding our food supply.  In California, officials discovered that over 50% of the fish being sold in stores and restaurants is mislabeled, so there is a good chance that the sea bass you think you are eating is actually Vietnamese toothy catfish or some other less desirable cut of ocean monster.

But perhaps inadvertently consuming an inferior grade of fish is not as bad as some of the alternatives.  As reported on This American Life a few weeks ago,  food producers are potentially labeling hog bung as “artificial calamari”.   Well, I guess it is the right shape.   It’s one thing to have some unscrupulous restaurant serve me farm raised instead of wild salmon – but I draw the line at having pig ass fried up and sold as seafood.

I know little about animal processing, but I was surprised to learn that we are so efficient that we even utilize animal rectums for our food supply.  I would never knowingly buy hog bung, cow lips, or pig blood, but I do buy sausage and hot dogs, so there is a good chance I am eating all those things.

But perhaps this all just naturally fits into our new world where “things are not as they appear”.  In today’s society it would not be unusual to meet someone online – who claims to be a doctor  – but actually works detailing doctor’s cars.  You then might go out on a date to a restaurant that looks like a charming neighborhood joint, but is actually owned by a massive multi-national corporation that uses the profits to undermine South American governments. The wine they serve you, represented as 2008 Oregon Pinot, might actually be Two Buck Chuck Merlot purchased from a bankrupt Argentinian winery.  But in any case, avoid ordering the calamari.

I can hardly express how annoyed I get when I hear someone call a vodka-based drink a “Martini.” Sadly, even professional mixologists have co-opted the name for any cocktail that’s shaken and served “up.” Most of these drinks have absolutely no connection to the herbal elixir of the gods that is a real Martini. Fortunately, a resurgence of boutique gins in recent years is a boon for real martini drinkers.

The Martini celebrates alcohol and bold flavors, rather than masking them. It is quite possibly the perfect cocktail. The Martini employs two beverages built upon aromatic herbs – balancing elements that can be overwhelming on their own. The subtlety of the Martini is like factoring a quadratic equation; the combination of gin and vermouth cancels out similar elements in the base beverages. Pristinely simple, deeply mysterious, the Martini is perfectly balanced and definitively adult.

Vodka, on the other hand, adds nothing to a cocktail. It is intentionally neutral, making it perfect for fruity drinks, or when one wishes to consume alcohol without knowing it’s there. So, appending the name “vodka” to Martini is an admission that this version is an inferior imposter. But sadly, I have met bartenders who asked, “Which vodka do you prefer” when I simply ordered “a Martini.” That response should be punished by the immediate revocation of their Bartenders Guide, followed by corporal punishment with his cocktail strainer.

As much as I hate to say this, Gin is essentially flavored vodka. Modern gin is a clear distilled grain spirit infused with natural botanicals. These vary from brand to brand with all with juniper, of course, but other common ingredients include cardamom, coriander, sage, cassia, nutmeg, citrus peel and angelica root.

Gin originated in Holland in the mid 16th century when Franciscus Sylvius, set out to concoct a cure for stomach complaints using juniper berries. He called it Genever, the Dutch bastardization of the Latin word for juniper. Dutch gins were, and are, viscous and full-bodied with hints of fusel oil. Oregon’s Aviation Gin is a rye-based spirit that is a modern spin on a Dutch gin, that’s great for vintage Genever-based cocktails.

The migration of Dutch gin from Holland to the UK came about in the 17th century when troops returned from the “30 Years War” where British soldiers were given rations of gin before battle. Their so-called “Dutch courage” was enthusiastically embraced and brought back to the UK for consumption at home. The new London Dry gin took on a new style that was fresh, dry and light.

The expansion of the British Empire then made this gin an international remedy for whatever ailed you. Its original medicinal roots were applied to new maladies. Gin and lime was a favorite with the Royal Navy, served as a palatable combination for ingesting large quantities of sour limejuice as a countermeasure against scurvy. This is the spiritual godfather of the Gimlet.

When King William III – better known as William of Orange – came to the English throne, he enacted a series of statutes encouraging the distillation of English spirits. Anyone could legally distill their own hooch simply posting a public notice they intended to do so. Gin became so commonplace that it was distributed to workers as part of their wage, and gin sales volume exceeded beers and ales, which were more expensive at the time.

Gin was the perfect spirit for amateur distillers, because strong herbal favors cover the flaws in properly made booze and the poisons in improper ones. Things got so bad during the “Gin Craze” in the UK that actual poison became a flavor component. Unscrupulous distillers would add a little turpentine to increase the “juniper” character and maximize the alcoholic kick of their product.

The Gin Craze hangover ended following the Gin Act of 1751. This act encouraged “respectable” gin selling by requiring licensees and distilling “on premises.” Historians suggest that gin consumption was reduced not as a result of this legislation, but because of the rising cost of grain. This scarcity led to the resurgence of gin consumption during the Victorian era by the aristocratic class who could afford it.

Economic transformed gin from pauper to prince. Lavish bars appeared that sold “respectable” gin to well-heeled patrons. The “gin mill” or “dram shops” that sold gin mostly as take-out often to be consumed in the street, were supplanted by elegant “gin palaces.” These upscale shops served beverages in a social environment that later transferred their décor of gaslights, etched glass and mirrors to the late Victorian pubs. Here patrons drank their gin like whiskey, neat or with a splash of water.

This new image helped to fuel the most popular gin drink on the planet today, the gin and tonic. The humble G&T was originally put together in colonial India as an anti-malaria concoction. Quinine was added to carbonated water to create “Indian Tonic” water. This beverage was so bitter that Gin was added simply to mask the medicinal character of the tonic. Today, one might guess that the opposite was true. The resulting mix became the origin of the G&T, although modern tonic water contains only a trace of quinine.

However, the Martini did not begin as this perfect exercise in herbal subtlety. In it’s original form and called “The Martinez” was described in the first edition of The Bartenders Guide, as a full wine glass of sweet vermouth, one ounce of Old Tom Gin, two dashes maraschino liqueur, a dash of bitters, shaken, and served with a twist of lemon. Herbal yes, but the Martinez was a veritable “razzmatini” of syrupy sweetness.

The generally accepted origin of the Martini was circa 1865 at San Francisco’s Occidental Hotel which was destroyed in the great 1906 earthquake. At the time, people drank at this hotel while waiting for the evening ferry across the bay to the town of Martinez. Not surprisingly, the citizens of Martinez used this as evidence that the “Martini” was first concocted right there first. They claim a bartender named Julio Richelieu served the first Martinez. As legend has it, Julio mixed the drink for a gold miner who was disappointed with his bar’s whisky. The miner purportedly placed a gold nugget on the bar and challenged Richelieu to create something delicious. He served up a glass of gin, sweet vermouth, orange, bitters and a local olive.

Given the Martini’s sophisticated aura, New Yorkers also insist it was created there. New York mythology has a bartender at the Knickerbocker Hotel inventing it in 1911 for John D. Rockefeller. While this origin is highly unlikely, Rockefeller did help the Martini make its way into big business lunches and backroom politicking. Franklin Roosevelt supposedly introduced the Martini back to the UK when he served one to the world’s most-famous drunken policy-maker – Sir Winston Churchill. The rest, as they say, is history.

Regardless of origin, once the 20th century rolled around, the Martini had become simpler and transparent; made from equal parts of gin and dry white vermouth with a couple of dashes of orange bitters. But, it was Prohibition and the relative abundance of illegal “bathtub gin” that really led to the Martini’s rise as the predominant cocktail of the jazz age. As refrigerators began to replace iceboxes, the drink became progressively dryer. Gin started to dominate the mix, but by just a ratio of 2:1, and the modern Martini was born.

By the mid-century, the drink’s aristocratic popularity put emphasis on excessive dryness that became an affectation of “sophistication.” By removing vermouth from the mix “super dry” Martinis with ratios sometime above 5:1 makes the cocktail a harsh, unbalanced drink, dominated by juniper and alcohol. Vermouth is a required element that takes the edge off, while adding floral top notes and a depth of citrus elements.

It is not surprising that the Rat Pack perpetuated the notion of dry sophistication with witty references to the dryness of their martinis and their act. In the 1958 movie Teacher’s Pet, Clark Gable mixes a martini by turning the bottle of vermouth upside-down and then running the moistened cork around the rim of the glass before filling it with gin. Surrealist director, Luis Buñuel, claimed that perfect dryness was achieved by allowing a ray of sunlight to pass through a bottle of vermouth, illuminating a glass of gin. Winston Churchill himself suggested that the perfect balance was achieved by pouring gin into a Martini glass and then bowing in the direction of France in homage to the vermouth.

But again, such excessive dryness undermines the depth of a Martini. The bitter balance of vermouth’s wormwood flowers, cloves and cardamom and gin’s coriander, citrus and juniper, topped off with briny olive essence, is magically deep and savory. Like perfume manufacturing, the perfect dry Martini is an exercise in balancing top notes, heart notes and bass notes. To replace the gin with vodka is to eviscerate the heart from the body. A vodka martini is devoid of the herbal “umami” that defines a real Martini.

Sadly the resurgence of the Martini was really inspired by Bombay Sapphire. This “premium” gin created a market for less juniper-dominated style that attracted a younger audience to what had long been seen as a middle-aged tipple. Bombay Dry, which is a less alcoholic 80 proof (Sapphire is 100) and more herbal, makes a superior martini. Fortunately the new wave of boutique gins is bucking the Sapphire trend. These more boldly flavored spirits celebrate the herbal heritage of gin. A few of the best are listed below.

When you mix your Martini be old-school about it. Be sure your gin and your shaker are freezer cold. Do not exceed the 5:1 ratio of gin to vermouth. Use French vermouth like Noilly Pratt. Add a dash of Fee Brothers Orange Bitters in homage to the Martinez. Mix all ingredients in the glass first and pour into an ice-filled shaker. Shake it vigorously enough to “bruise” the ice. Let it stand for 20 seconds. A hint of dilution smooth’s out the drink. If you drink dirty martinis, never put olive brine in the shaker as the salt melts too much ice. Pour the brine into your glass before you strain the shaker. The perfect martini will have ice crystals floating on the surface like stars in the night sky.

Junípero Gin, California, ±$40
Get the perfect gin-lover’s martini. Anchor Steam Brewing of San Francisco makes this small-batch gin in a copper pot still. As the name implies, if you hate gin for the juniper, you will loathe this. The bracing notes of juniper are buffered by clear supporting roles of citrus and spice (although the exact recipe remains a secret). The name is also a pun on the name of Father Junípero Serra, the Spanish padre who is best known for establishing the chain of Franciscan missions, stretching from San Diego to Sonoma along El Camino Real.

Death’s Door Gin, Wisconsin, ±$35
Add a hint of licorice to your Negroni. This is another small-batch gin that begins with a bright juniper bouquet. It has crisp pine flavor followed by a strong finish of fennel/licorice that reminds me of Pernod. It comes at no surprise really that the distillery also makes a mock absinthe. The name comes from the strait between the Door County Wisconsin peninsula and Washington Island in lake Michigan. This dangerous passage was known for its shipwrecks. The wild juniper berries used in this gin are hand harvested on Washington Island.

Bluecoat, Pennsylvania, ±$30
Leave the lime out of your G&T. Bluecoat is one of the latest arrivals on the US micro-distilling scene. Craft-distilled in Philadelphia, the recipe features organic juniper berries and is big on citrus, with three different kinds of peel being used. When launched, Bluecoat got rave reviews on both sides of the Atlantic. Bucking the trends and opting for a really intense flavor profile, Bluecoat is complex, with a strong orange peel element and very spicy undertones. Produced by Philadelphia Distilling.

Suggestion for further reading:
The Martini: An Illustrated History of an American Classic, by Barnaby Conrad III
Martini, Straight Up, by Lowell Edmunds
Craze: Gin and Debauchery in the Age of Reason, by Jessica Warner
The Much-Lamented Death of Madam Geneva, by Patrick Dillon

Just in case you were wondering how your Senator voted on the recent gun control legislation – the legislation that 90% of America favored – here is a list with the Twitter handles of those that voted against the American people and in favor of the NRA.

Senators that voted against gun control legislation

•Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-Tenn.) — @SenAlexander
•Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-N.H.) — @KellyAyotte
•Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wyo.) — @SenJohnBarrasso
•Sen. Max Baucus (D-Mont.) — @MaxBaucus
•Sen. Mark Begich (D-Alaska) — @SenatorBegich
•Sen. Roy Blunt (R-Mo.) — @RoyBlunt
•Sen. John Boozman (R-Ark.) — @JohnBoozeman
•Sen. Richard Burr (R-N.C.) — @SenatorBurr
•Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Ga.) — @SaxbyChambliss
•Sen. Dan Coats (R-Ind.) — @SenDanCoats
•Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) — @TomCoburn
•Sen. Thad Cochran (R-Miss.) — @SenThadCochran
•Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) — @SenBobCorker
•Sen. Jon Cornyn (R-Texas) — @JohnCornyn
•Sen. Mike Crapo (R-Idaho) — @MikeCrapo
•Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) — @SenTedCruz
•Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wyo.) — @SenatorEnzi
•Sen. Deb Fischer (R-Neb.) — @SenatorFischer
•Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) — @JeffFlake
•Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) — @GrahamBlog
•Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) — @ChuckGrassley
•Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) — @SenOrrinHatch
•Sen. Heidi Heitkamp (D-N.D.) — @SenatorHeitkamp
•Sen. Dean Heller (R-Nev.) — @SenDeanHeller
•Sen. John Hoeven (R-N.D.) — @SenJohnHoeven
•Sen. James Inhofe (R-Okla.) — @jiminhofe
•Sen. Johnny Isakson (R-Ga.) — @SenatorIsakson
•Sen. Mike Johanns (R-Neb.) — @Mike_Johanns
•Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) — @SenRonJohnson
•Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) — @SenMikeLee
•Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) — @McConnellPress
•Sen. Jerry Moran (R-Kan.) — @JerryMoran
•Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) — @lisamurkowski
•Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) — @SenRandPaul
•Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) — @robportman
•Sen. Mark Pryor (D-Ark.) — @SenMarkPryor
•Sen. Jim Risch (R-Idaho) — @SenatorRisch
•Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kan.) — @SenPatRoberts
•Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) — @marcorubio
•Sen. Tim Scott (R-S.C.) — @SenatorTimScott
•Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) — @SenatorSessions
•Sen. Richard Shelby (R-Ala.) — @SenShelbyPress
•Sen. John Thune (R-S.D.) — @SenJohnThune
•Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) — @DavidVitter
•Sen. Roger Wicker (R-Miss.) — @SenatorWicker

I’m wanna tell you a story
I’m wanna tell you about my town
I’m gonna tell you a big fat story, baby
Aww, it’s all about my town

Yeah, down by the river
Down by the banks of the river Charles
Aw, that’s what’s happenin’ baby
That’s where you’ll find me
Along with lovers, buggers and thieves
Aw, but they’re cool people

Well I love that dirty water
Oh, Boston you’re my home…

“Dirty Water”, The Standells.

I know the city like the back of my hand. I was born in the Boston City Hospital, I lived in a housing project in Jamaica Plain, an apartment in Roxbury and a house in Hyde Park as my parents lifted our family out of poverty by working multiple jobs. My friends and I lived through Boston’s darkest hours during the bussing crisis of the mid-1970’s only to see our great city rise above the crisis.

I drove a taxi and a police cruiser around my city and was lucky enough to attend both college and law school here after I finished my four year stint in the Air Force. I live in a small town 35 miles west of the city now but I have always been a Bostonian. On Marathon Monday I was filled with rage as I checked in with family and friends to make sure that they were all safe, but as Susan and I watched the footage we both saw that regular Bostonians along with police and medical personnel were working hand in hand to save lives. Today I am saddened at the senseless loss of life but I am heartened that my fellow Bostonians are the kind of people who put others first. As I started my work out on Tuesday morning following the event I was watching Sportscenter to get a break from the non-stop coverage of the bomb blasts when I just broke down and cried. My tears are for my city and all that it means to me. My emotions flowed from rage, sorrow and a desire to do something to show the world how a Bostonian is expected to respond. I am frustrated at the thought of the unnecessary violence visited upon innocent human beings on Marathon Monday, but my sorrow will pass and be replaced by a resolve not to allow these cowards to win. I am so happy that the two morons who did this stuck around and saw that they did not terrorize this city; they served to sound a call to action. Oh sure, you may have had your moment….but we won the day. This is the city of Bunker Hill….we do not fear the likes of dogs like you.

To my dismay I saw yesterday that another moron, Nate Bell, a state representative in Arkansas, decided to politicize an attack on Boston when he made the following statement:

I wonder how many Boston liberals spent the night cowering in their homes wishing they had an AR-15 with a hi-capacity magazine?
~Nate Bell.

Mr. Bell you are the worst kind of an American because you see people of differing political views as being less than you, when the painful reality is that the good people of Boston, New York, Oklahoma City and Atlanta understand that it doesn’t matter where a person stands politically during a crisis, it only matters that they stand. Because you are so fundamentally ignorant of our people, and our home Mr. Bell, allow me to introduce you to Boston and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

On March 5, 1770 it was five Bostonians including Crispus Attucks who were killed as they stood up to the British in what became known as the “Boston Massacre”. I’ve walked on the very spot of that incident, and as an attorney I take great pride in the fact that our second American President, John Adams, represented one of the British soldiers in the trial that followed. It was Bostonians who first stood tall for America and who gave their lives so that someday a fool like you would have the right to suggest that we are cowards.
You would do well to remember that we are the descendants of the Minuteman. Our descendants stood up to the British army on April 19, 1775 and started a nation based upon principles that you likely know little about. I suspect that in all of your phony patriotism you haven’t walked on the fields at Lexington and Concord. I have walked those fields and marched in the parade which takes place at 5:30 a.m. on Patriot’s Day, our State holiday. My first Patriots Day parade was in 1967. Can you tell your children about the day when a son of Massachusetts fired the “shot heard round the world”?

We are Boston, America’s real first city; we hosted the British at the Battle of Breeds and Bunker Hill in Charlestown. Our forefathers held a Tea Party for the whole world. We are the people who stand tall for America every single time that the opportunity presents itself. On 9/11, Bostonians rushed to help our fellow Americans in New York City. Tell me what you did besides try to figure out a way to turn that attack on another great American city into political capital?

Americans have sent their children here to be educated at our colleges by the millions, and as a testament to the wonder of this place, a great many of America’s children have stayed because of what they learned when they came here. Our hospitals are among the best in the nation in treatment and medical research. We are among the nations’ best places for high-technology and bio-technology. Our people are well educated and diverse, but we take great pride in our Mayor who is a product of Boston’s blue collar neighborhoods. A man who makes up for his lack of eloquence with a deep commitment and a love for his city.

We are Boston, Mr. Bell. We speak in a dialect that is all ours and we take great pride that we have our own manner of speech. I can tell if I’m speaking with a Bostonian if she knows what a “tonic” or a “bubblah” is.

We are Boston, a place where people cry real tears whenever America has been attacked but who immediately wipe away the tears and take action. We are the place that produced the Massachusetts 54th Regiment, the first African-American unit called to action in the Civil War, they trained in the Readville section of Hyde Park, a section of Boston. We walk among the tombstones of America’s forefathers as a constant reminder of the sacrifices that have given fools like you the right to express the idiotic opinions you hold.

We are Boston. Where are you from, and what can you point to that makes you uniquely proud to be from there? We are the home of Harvard, MIT, Boston College, Boston University and at least 50 other colleges…We are the home of The Union Oyster House, Durgin Park and Legal Seafoods where we go for chowdah, baked beans and “lobsta”.

We are Boston, and we love our city in ways that you will never understand. On Monday April 15, 2013, I, like all people of this region, was filled with intense pride for the first responders and our medical professionals who saved so many lives. When our police officers hunted down the individuals who attacked us we came out and cheered for our heroes. We love who we are and what we represent and we laugh at short minded fools like you Mr. Bell. We are the people who line up every Patriots Day to celebrate the birth of our nation while you go about your day to day business. We commemorate America on the 4th of July by standing on our Esplanade and singing our national anthem and God Bless America at the top of our voices. The world needs to know that we are Boston and that there is zero chance that dogs who kill children and innocent people could ever think that we will be terrorize. It is disgraceful that Nate Bell, who likely calls himself a Patriot, would question our resolve or our courage because we don’t all see the need to be armed to the teeth.

We know our place as America’s first city, and we will not be cowed by the likes of dogs who sneak around placing backpacks next to children and families. We will also not back down from a fight with morons like you Mr. Bell. If I thought you were capable of learning I would invite you to come to our city so that you could see just how wrong you are about our people.

We will celebrate the lives of our fallen and we will pick up our wounded and we will show the whole world our pride for our police officers. We will then show the whole world how well American justice works as we prove to the world that we actually believe in due process and fairness. The terrorists’ corrupt ideals will be forgotten and what we will always remember are the names of the four innocent souls we lost.

Above all, we will line the Marathon route next year and we will sing our national anthem and are likely to chant “Yankees Suck” as a signal to our fellow Americans that we are still here, standing tall for America….like we always do.

Every few days I receive another request to complete a customer service survey. My banks, financial institutions, airlines, car companies, credit card companies, even my doctor’s office all want to know how they are doing.   And at first it sounds great.  I love companies that want to continually improve their customer service and accordingly seek feedback. The problem….

After I take the time from my day to give them feedback, there is almost never a response.  

I could understand this if all I was doing was telling them all how terrific they were doing, but becaure I appreciate straight talk from clients, I tell them the truth, and sometimes complain about sub-par service.

Last month I had a terrible experience with United Airlines.  They lost my luggage – resulting in me missing an important meeting  – the main reason for my travel.  Their customer service department (manned by people in India with a very limited command of the English language) were not only not helpful – but actually made the situation worse.  I complained on the survey – but never heard a word.

Two months ago my medical clinic – OHSU – made me wait over two hours for a five minute appointment.  So the next day when they sent a customer satisfaction survey I expressed my dissatisfaction.  Never heard a word from them.  But if you do really want to hear from OHSU – I suggest paying your bill three days late.  That department is very focused on reaching out to their patients.

The impact of not following up on a customer complaint just compounds the initial dissatisfaction.  It makes the organization appear more disorganized – even more callous.  To the consumer the statement is “we send out these surveys because it makes us appear like we care – but we really don’t.”

Quick quiz and be honest with yourself: who is Adam Lanza?

If you don’t know the answer to that question you are part of a growing number of Americans who are apparently moving past the massacre at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. In the immediate wake of the December mass killing we were, once again, enraged – This time we were determined to make a series of changes, by some estimates more than 70% of Americans polled were in favor of sweeping gun control legislation including bans of certain so-called assault weapons. Seemed appropriate given the horror of Sandy Hook. How could anyone look into the terrified eyes of a six year old and pull a trigger? It was so personally troubling to me that I became nauseated at the thought of Lanza’s inhumanity. How could we sit idly by in the face of yet another shooting by a deranged lunatic? Enough was enough; social media sites were on the job as Americans posted the names of the fallen, we watched tearfully as babies were laid to rest. Adam Lanza was just the latest in a shockingly long line of deranged individuals who were able to arm themselves in a macabre game of one-upsmanship.

Adam Lanza left his home on December 14, 2012, carrying ten 30-round clips for his semiautomatic Bushmaster .223 caliber model XM15 rifle, as well as rounds for the two handguns and a shotgun he took with him to an elementary school where he murdered 26 people including twenty children. He left 1600 rounds of ammo behind. Despite the scope of this latest massacre, and in the less than four months since that day, Americans and the frauds who comprise the United States Congress are apparently moving on – no change in our standard operating procedure, no gun control, no legislation requiring background checks – no sir not today or anytime soon.

The NRA knew we’d forget those poor kids and teachers, and they started a campaign to facilitate that process, which I liken to the leafleting done in WWII. The internet was bombarded with posts about how “Guns don’t Kill People” and “The Only Way To Stop A Bad Guy With A Gun Is A Good Guy With A Gun”. They called for arming our schools and walling them off. Hell, given that the NRA is a shill for the gun industry why would we expect them to pass up the opportunity to sell guns to school districts nationwide. There’s no way to bring those kids back so why not make the most of the situation. We were bombarded with facts and figures touting the “fact” that gun manufacturers contribute more than $30 billion to our economy every year.

The question is why would the NRA take such an outrageous position in the days following the Sandy Hook Massacre? The answer is really quite simple: we are, as a nation, incapable of staying on point for more than a few months regardless of the issue. The NRA knew that gun control fever would break and that we would be back to business as usual in no time. The NRA has seen this before.

A CBS News survey released earlier this week indicated a 10-point drop in the public backing of stricter gun laws, from 57% immediately after the Newtown Massacre to 47% today. Those poll numbers were essentially mirrored as poll after poll show slipping support for sweeping gun control legislation. The NRA Institute for Legislative Action was quick to point to that CBS News survey in a March 26 press release. So what gives? Are we intellectual buffoons who find comfort in the “well it wasn’t my kid’s school” way of thinking? How can we begin to move past this tragedy without doing something, anything to keep guns away from deranged people? How can we forget those kids? A quick glance back will tell you that we have always been capable of amnesia when some deranged animal walks onto a school campus:

• In 1988 19-year-old James Wilson went on a shooting rampage at the Greenwood, S.C., Elementary School and killed two 8-year-old girls and wounded seven others.
• That same year, 31-year-old Laurie Dann walked into a second-grade classroom in Winnetka, Ill., and began shooting. One child was killed and six wounded.
  • Kip Kinkel, a 15-year-old of Springfield, Ore., in 1998 murdered his parents and proceeded to his high school where he went on a rampage killing two students and wounding 22 others.
• Patrick Purdy, 25, in 1989 opened fire on a school yard filled with children in Stockton, Calif. Five kids were killed and 30 wounded.
• Steve Lieth of Chelsea, Mich., in 1993 walked into a school meeting and shot and killed the school superintendent, wounding two others.
• In 1997 Michael Carneal, 14, opened fire on students at a high school prayer meeting in Heath High in West Paducah, Ky. Three died and one was paralyzed.
• In 1998, 11-year-old Andrew Golden and 14-year-old Mitchell Johnson apparently faked a fire alarm at Westside Middle School in Jonesboro, Ark., and shot at students as they left the building. Four students and a teacher were killed.
• April 20, 1999, Eric Harris, 18, and Dylan Klebold, 17, shot and killed 12 classmates and a teacher at the Columbine High School and wounded 24 others.
• In 2007 Steven Kazmierczak killed 5 students and then himself at University of Illinois, DeKalb Campus. The AP reported that Kazmierczak’s parents had placed him in a Chicago psychiatric treatment center after high school.
• On April 16, 2007, Seung-Hui Cho walked onto the campus at Virginia Tech where he murdered 32 and injured several more.

The most striking aspect of these shootings is the fact that nearly every shooter was or had been in psychiatric care, or taking drugs for psychological diagnoses. How about this for a compromise Mr. NRA Spokesweasel, let’s continue to sell guns to kids or irresponsible parents. Let’s just try not to sell them to the kid with a paranoid schizophrenia with an automatically refillable lithium prescription!

Let’s be clear about a few facts: Good people, lots of really good, law abiding people, responsibly own guns. These are the folks who you’ll never hear about. They hunt, they work with guns as police officers, armed security officers or they are people who choose to protect themselves with guns. The problem of gun control is due in large part to the fact that the overwhelming majority of gun owners are good people who will never do any harm with a gun unless you happen to be a quail. I am not calling for the elimination of guns, guns are here to stay for the foreseeable future but they must be regulated so that felons and the mentally ill do not have access to them. Our friend Mr. NRA Spokesweasel disagrees; background checks and gun registration do not work so they have called for the elimination of both proposals. They see any regulation as an infringement of Second Amendment.

We should all, however, be confounded by this sense that our Second Amendment right is somehow sacrosanct to the point that it stands alone as the only right or privilege above some degree of societal control. The Second Amendment does not guarantee gun ownership free from governmental control, any more than the First Amendment allows unfettered free speech or the creation of a religion that has human sacrifice as one of its basic precepts. I may have a right to buy liquor – but no right to give it to a child. I have a right to drive a car (and before you scholars get too worked up, the right to drive is described by many courts as a “property right”) but I cannot drive too fast, too slow, and I must demonstrate proficiency behind the wheel before I can drive. I cannot drive while under the influence of alcohol or controlled substances. So please spare me all of the rubbish about how the Second Amendment is infringed if we, as a society, determine that convicted felons and the mentally unstable should not be allowed to purchase a dozen Glocks and a few thousand rounds of ammunition.

To be fair, the federal government has attempted gun control beginning in 1934. Today several laws are in place including the National Firearms Act (1934); the Gun Control Act of 1968; and the Brady Handgun Violence Prevention Act (1993). The problem is that these laws are essentially ignored or they can be legally worked around. It is possible to buy a “second hand” weapon which is brand spanking new at a gun show without any requirement of registration. We need a federal gun control bill that must be linked to federal aid to the states so that states will enforce the law. Remember how the feds managed to force the drinking age to 21? If your state chose to keep the drinking age below 21 your state lost federal funds – remarkable little tool to make the good ole boys in Alabama to get in line.

Here are my own proposals to limit the possibility of a repeat of Sandy Hook:

1. All weapons and their entire component parts should be laser etched with serial numbers so that when these weapons or their parts turn up at a crime scene the original owner can be identified and, if appropriate, prosecuted.
2. A national database should be established to identify convicted felons and those identified as having delineated mental illnesses.
3. A national gun license should be created which would be required to own any firearm.
4. Local police or sheriff’s offices should make the determination as to who is issued a gun license, after a background check.
5. All convicted felons should immediately be banned from gun ownership for life.
6. Persons who have been diagnosed with mental illness should be prohibited from gun ownership.
7. All persons convicted of assaultive misdemeanor offenses including any form of domestic violence should lose their right to carry for ten years.
8. No person under the age of 18 should be allowed to own or possess a weapon except when in the company of an adult who is licensed to carry.
9. A gun owner who loses a gun by negligence or theft caused by negligence should face criminal prosecution, and civil liability to the victims of gun violence caused by that person’s weapon.
10. The unlawful possession of any gun should be punished with minimum mandatory prison time.

So who wants to explain to me why a convicted felon or a mentally ill 16 year old should be walking around with a Bushmaster? I won’t forget those kids and I hope you won’t either.

One of the side benefits of being on my company’s pension committee is that I get a plethora of great investment information quarterly, but what I most look forward to is a table showing the performance of various asset classes over time. I affectionately call this the “periodic table of investing”, similar to the periodic table of the elements, as both contain a bevy of useful information if you know how to interpret them. What is fascinating is how often the asset categories that are the best one year flip completely the next. For example, in 2011 Emerging Markets had a negative 18.4% return ranking it dead last, but in 2012 had a positive 18.2% return ranking it first. Treasury income protection bonds known as TIPS, a staple for conservative investors, did the same ranking –  dead last in 2010, and then best in 2011.

Another surprise is the large swings there are by asset category from one year to the next. Looking at REITs (real estate investment trusts) show returns moving from negative 39.1% in 2008 to positive 26.3% in 2009. It’s also pretty rare when a category has 3 consecutive years of greater than 10% returns. On the goods news front – all asset classes earned a total return above inflation for the period.

The asset class with the lowest volatility as measured by standard deviation is bonds, as expected, with Large Value stocks as the least volatile of equities. The most volatile is Emerging Markets followed by Commodities and Small Growth stocks. What’s the best? If you look at total return and factor in volatility, I would say Small Value stocks as they had the second best overall return but about average risk and half the volatility of Emerging Markets.

So what does all of this mean? It shows the importance of asset allocation which is balancing returns by using a variety of investments and it also shows why you should not be chasing the “hot” category as looking in a rear-view mirror may cause you to crash. If an investor had re-balanced their portfolio to an equal weighting of the 12 asset classes each year that investor would have earned a total return of 179.4% over the 15 years which is a compound rate of 7.1% with lower risk. And remember, if your portfolio goes down 50% in a year it needs to go up 100% the next to be even over the 2 years.

Investors should consult their advisors to determine the proper investment allocation suitable for your situation.

In life it is normal to wonder how we are viewed by others? Who better to make an assessment about each of us – than the good people who deliver our daily e-mail spam. I think we can learn a lot about ourselves from these people, because they certainly have done their homework and quite obviously must use a focused and highly scientific method to electronic marketing.

From March 16 to March 21 I received 94 e-mails which were captured in the “spam” file of one of my e-mail accounts. We are talking pure self-reflection gold….

I am apparently desperately in need of some form of “male enhancement”. Some person named “Alexi” seems to know he or she can help me more than Darya or Dasha (who also have offered to help) because Alexi has sent me 6-7 e-mails promising a sure fire way to enlarge the male plumbing without “pumps, pills or shots”. I’m going to have to have a long talk with Old Doc Bayard, why am I hearing about this only now? Who in the name of God wouldn’t take a shot, or even better, a pill? And what the hell would I do with a pump? I can barely keep my kids away from my cigars. So I guess there’s a market for this “exciting medical breakthrough”. My concern here is that while it is gratifying to hear that the Russian black market has given penis enlargement so much attention because the AMA has ignored this major national crisis, I can’t help wondering how Alexi found me? I secretly checked my wife’s computer and there’s no record of a complaint. Oh sure she laughs during moments of intimacy, but I always assume that was due to the costumes and garden implement. I don’t mean to boast but I’ve never had a complaint in this department before. My doctor’s never handed me any pamphlets concerned with “Overcoming the Heartbreak of Ambiguous Genitalia”. There was that one time in high school when we had to shower using cold water, but I went to a high school full of Irish kids so there’s no way anyone from that shower room would have noticed anyway. So what gives, Alexi?

Their market research apparently has indicated that I also have bad skin riddled with warts and that I’m fat. There are e-mails touting Oprah Winfrey’s fat loss plan and Katy Perry’s beauty secrets plan that will clear up my bad skin, and at least two offerings from a firm advertising “quick, effective removal of warts, moles and skin tags”. Dr. Oz has apparently taken a personal interest in making sure that I “melt away 15 pounds in 5 days” with his “Miracle Pill”. I can “cut down a bit of my belly every day by this one weird old tip”. Huh? I think that sounds like a splendid idea and since it is endorsed by Dr. Oz it must be safe and effective, right? So because I’m a fat guy with warts, moles or pesky skin tags I’ve been targeted with the services, products and magical potions that will make it possible for me to stop wearing shirts that can also serve as tents and to leave the house during daylight hours without children screaming when they look upon my ghastly wart riddled, oily skinned face. Plus, who wouldn’t want to eat donuts, ice cream and pizza every day while Dr. Oz’ “miracle pill” melts away the fat?

I am also apparently in desperate need of an “affordable Cobra plan” as I have 4-5 e-mails touting the fact that President Obama has approved “health coverage for unemployed residents”. Well that is certainly welcome news but I’ve never been unemployed, but, I am just back from a two week vacation down to God’s Waiting Room (Florida for you West Coasters) and when I got back I sort of detected a bit of a cold shoulder from my co-workers. Are those sons of bitches planning on firing me? Have they notified some governmental agency of their intention who in turn notified the people at “FastHealth Quotes” who have offered me affordable health insurance? Oh God, we just replaced the Family Truckster and I just told my 18 year old that he can go to a private college. Where’s my resume, I don’t even know where my lawnmower is, and what will the guys at the club think? Oh God….what am I going to tell my wife? I’m going to march straight into Smither’s office later today and demand a severance package. I’ve given that firm at least 7 good years over the past 22….doesn’t she understand that I’ve got credit cards to pay off?
Speaking of credit cards….

I’m apparently something of a credit risk as there are a great many e-mails promising to provide my credit scores. Some guy named “Raf Linberg” has a program which will provide me with my credit scores and up to $1000 to use toward paying off my debt. I’ve thought about this a bit and I’m not really sure why one needs to know one’s credit scores or why I should pay old Raf money to give me money. I wonder if he takes credit cards? On the subject of credit scores, if they are good that means you pay your bills and the people at American Express haven’t had to call you at 3 o’clock in the morning to remind you that you are a useless deadbeat who could not possibly care about the Baby Jesus or America. If your scores are bad wouldn’t you already know that because that mean man from American Express has been calling at 3 o’clock every morning?

I think I’ll pass on the “low cost credit report”, at least until I can land a new job. Seems like a bit of a luxury right now for an unemployed obese man with a tragically small penis and bad skin who has to pay for a COBRA plan and a “pump”.